BEING A MOM CHANGED ME A LOT!

"I made a great many resolutions when my children were born. Some were vague, if heartfelt: I'll take good care of you; I will keep you safe. Some were specific: I'll never hit you, I will always make you look good and presentable to others, etc..etc... It was a momentous turning point, the birth of my children , filled with Joy and emotion. It was a date to remember forever. And so, of course, it was a time for resolutions.

I really don't believe in resolutions, because my wisdom thought me that no one can change me. If I'd like to change something, I will do it on my own free will. I usually change if there is really something happen to me and teach me new about life. Marking resolutions is just a fake, fancy things to think about. And yes, I have accumulated quite a pile of failed and repeated resolutions . But I keep making them and I wouldn't want to give up the practice. It suggests that change for the better really is possible and that today could be the first day of a new, improved me or maybe tomorrow.

Having a child was different. Becoming someone's mother meant that my role in the world had changed -- I wasn't just the same old me trying to be a new, improved version. I was a mother, really and truly and forever, and the question was, what kind of person, what kind of mother, would be reflected in my child's eyes?

At first, I wanted an orderly home, to be organized, I grew up and live in a were clothes was never been folded and put up in a cabinet, dishes that never been washed until its about time to eat again, like mats and pillow in our small bedroom. Even my bags and other stuff in my work place is a huge mess, honestly. If there's is one things that i would say I am really organized too, is how to handle my budget. I wanted desperately to outgrow my bad habits into good one. When my twins was born more things change, moving to one place to another, scheduled renovations on our house and turning nights into days. I wanted to give something for my kids w/c I know I never been had before. keeping what we did have perfectly happen... Thanks for my ever supportive husband in financial matters. Our bedroom turned into a baby room and later turned into play room, because the mess got worse and worse, as the baby things mixed in with our books and our piles of papers.

My attempts to to become one of the advocates of breastfeeding mother's failed because I cannot give my baby's enough milk than they need, because they are two. I tried so much, my doctor said I could take one tablet of one particular medicine to produce more milk but instead, I take two. But nevertheless my milk started to loose after as I started my work, this is a resolution that only gets more complicated and competitive as time goes on.

I have made this "healthy-food-only allowed-in-the-table" resolution so many times that I may be in the running for a lifetime achievement award. And still, I don't have much time to cook or maybe I don't like to cook. Unfortunately, I am a home economics teacher but if there is one thing I am not good enough is to cook different dishes-- a terrible revelation thing to accept. Good to know that my husband accept this kind of reality. As they say "they way to your mans heart is though his stomach" some little part of me believes it but don't accept it..there's must be other way... like lungs... just kidding.

Even more important, I wanted my children to think I'm good enough. And not just a good mother, but that I'm honest and hard working and somehow a honorable and that the world is better off for my being in it (is just in my dreams). Set a good example as to do the usual things -- if someone gives me too much change, I return the extra money. I give more to charity than I used to, and I talk with my kids about where I want my money to go, and why.

It's easy to laugh at parents who suddenly acquire new virtues as their children grow: the people who never particularly cared about the homeless before, for example, but are now busy doing parent-child food drives. Or how about all those nonreligious parents who find themselves joining up because the child should be raised in religious school?

But want kind of kids I would like to raise?! Do I want them to become smart and be the first in everything, do I like them to become famous, or rich. Most parents would always say during their kids first birthday that they would wish that they will become healthy, good boy, god fearing and loving person. It's easy to giggle, easy to warn that children are disconcertingly good at seeing right through their parents; you have to do the thing sincerely, or you might as well not bother.

Most parents are doing the things to make them more admirable to their kids, setting a good example, but do we really sincere? I can generally put my self and my child through some charitable paces in order to get involved at early age and put in the kids diary of milestone. Mothers do it because she is quite genuinely interested in becoming that more involved, more charitable person yourself -- and bringing your child along with you. And it's not just that you want your child to admire you -- there's something about motherhood that brings out the desire to actually be admirable.

Having children and being their mother has changed who I really am. I used to think that the moral here was that I tried to be a better person when my children were born but that I'm still the same old ' less than perfect 'me. This is true, in a way, but it's not the whole truth: I'm not good either, when I was a student, I failed in math subjects, I dont know but even how hard I try, its really difficult to do it unlike others what if my kids will be like that, will I get mad or shout to my kids till they shy to death?! Will I do the same thing that other parents do, like talk at first and later arguing with my kids teachers and keep saying that they are the one to be blame off instead of me. Parents like me are tying to give most of their time to their kids to keep them safe at all times, a typical type of mother that when the kids fell down on the ground , we're here to catch and get them up... but somehow, I realize that most of the time I wanted to keep my kids in safe and for not to be blamed for any causes or accidents they might get into it, I want to teach my kids to be more independent as possible as can be knows how to handle and decide for them selves.

I eventually I realized that I don't want to be the kind of person who takes advantage of someone's mistake by setting a good examples to my kids . Yes it true that "best teacher is our experiences" So I let my kids create their own experience to be their teacher. I will not be always there when you fall , because that will teach you how to get up. When somethings wrong happen, I will not be the one to correct it, you must feel that pain of the wrong things you decide and choose to do. Please do ask for help... because I will not be here forever. I will just watch you fall and get up because you have your life of you own.

Its hard for me to give because Nobody gives me before. Yes maybe I selfish with a bad manner kind of attitude. I believe to have somethings you have to earn it on your way. There nothing free in this world, I don't give to charity just so I can tell my children that I give money because that is a good thing to do and see by the other people, though I'm not above pointing out charitable morals. They say when you give, don't ask. Honestly speaking, In my work place its hard for to give monetary contribution if it is for our superiors because I believe they have more than what I have. , most of the time when I give to charity, I'm thinking about other mothers and their children, about people who are sick or in danger or scared, and I'm identifying in a direct and personal way that comes out of my experience as a mother.

I feel more in common with people in very different circumstances, and I feel more obliged to try to help. It was probably foolish to try to change myself by the force of resolution, on the other hand, the experience of child rearing has brought a powerful day-by-day desire to do right by my children, and also to help shape the world into a good place for them to live their lives.

I didn't succeed in making myself over for their sakes, but perhaps they made me over a little bit for all our sakes. That may be, in the end, a better story and a more hopeful result for my kids in the future."

Posted by: grace, wife of Rolly and mother of Amir and Ace